May it be

“And everything else will take care of itself”.

I have this thought running in my head ever so often and I sometimes wonder if I really believe in it or not. Do I have the ability to trust that God, the universe or some other higher entity will look after me? My belief system is shaky, negotiable at best. Since I believe in the existence of God, I turn to him to help me sail through life’s ups and downs. Yet I also believe that those who are closest to Him, He tests in some very strange ways. So I share this love-hate relation with God. I tell Him that I love him and I adore Him but only this much. I speak to Him saying, “I know you trust me implicitly but I have my doubts. I fear coming close to you will make me want to change and I don’t want to give up on the things I enjoy doing, even though I know that most of them hurt you and cause you pain. But don’t you realize that these are the things that define me and make me the ‘me’ that I am.”

And those times when you fear all is lost and there is nothing good that can come out of it, everything just takes care of itself. It’s like magic. And who can just wonder at the patterns unfolding right before you. The solutions are simple yet you never see them. I believe that no matter how much we say that we believe, no matter how strongly we profess our faith, there is that little niggling thread off doubt that doesn’t really allow you to let go completely. We surrender, we say, but we don’t. And when things take a turn for the worse, when despair sets in and you lose all hope that is the moment when you actually surrender. That invisible thread of doubt finally snaps and you are set free. That moment of complete and abject surrender is when everything takes care of itself.

It’s a process that we undergo all the time and irrespective of the number of times this happens, we fail to hold on to that belief. True clarity emerges at the darkest hour and we see it, sense it in every fibre of our being; but it’s not forever. It’s a momentary phase when we let ourselves go and open our minds and hearts to be embraced by an unexplainable sense of peace and calm. And within a moment it’s gone. And we come back to ourselves, the same but carrying along a voice in the back of our heads, assuring us that everything will take care of itself.