Facing Facts

My eyes were glazed over with excitement but I was not ready. So I did, what I do best, I swept it aside.

Because feigning ignorance was so much easier than actually having to face the truth. That the lifelong wish, the secret longing that is manifesting itself with all its reality and honesty is so much more frightful in actuality.

Did I consider all the consequences to what I wanted? Did I seriously give it a thought beyond wanting it? Did I even think I had it in me, to accept this? Well, there is now, staring me in the face with the same fervour that I sought it out with, yet, I’ve gone clammy quiet. I’m numb, I’m shaking; my mind racing but not as fast as my heart. Think back. I worked so hard for this, prayed for it to everything I hold dear—all the saints, even stooping so low as to bribing the Gods. I remember every lucky charm I held on to so passionately with eyes closed. Me trying to barter my way through should be a reminder to the adage ‘be careful what you wish for’.

And today, I complain.

Slow Burn

Slow burn

That’s how it feels.

Jealousy.

It surges instantly. A flush of anger in the face, the slight clenching of the jaw.

Eyes that rake you. Strip you naked.

Raw, animal instinct.

In a blink so much and yet so easily gone.

A downcast look of disappointment, a head turned away, biting of the lips to curb… it that guilt, pain or longing?

And you look again. Reading their faces for a truth, your truth. Was I transparent? Did they see it? Recognition. Acknowledgement. Hope. Fear. Faint flush of hot and cold simultaneously. Am I ready?

A pause.

And the truth is laid bare, waiting to be picked up and worn.

Instead, we pull the shutter. Tight. Pretense is more fun. Let unsaid things remain unsaid. The cowardly way out.

It has no name. Not liking, not love, not even lust.