The push and the pull

Her mind is a whirl. It’s like something has snapped. She is free of whatever had her tethered. It’s a moment of clarity. The foolhardiness she had been indulging in, the dangerous games she had been playing — she saw it all now. It’s like she is floating, above, somewhere, watching everything unfold, cringing at her shamelessness and reacting with incredulity. Who is this provocative, self-indulgent person? Is it me? Is this what everybody sees? No! Someone stop her! Stop her before she makes a complete fool of herself! Why is she doing this — to me!

Why is she pretending to be what she cannot clearly be? Is she being indulgent because that’s what it takes to get noticed? It’s not real. It’s just a game but she can’t stop it anymore. The game is now more important. She wants to know how far she can go with this pretense. Now that she has stepped on to the stage with its strobe lights and festoons and glitter, she doesn’t want to get off —it’s just getting interesting. How far is too far?

When the lights are off and the audience gone, she is dismayed at her desperation. Yet, somewhere deep down she is questioning this guilt. Does it stem from the shame or from the truth? Has this pretense taken off the mask of civility and exposed all the darkest secrets of her mind? Did she walk into the trap knowing that it would force her to face her baser self? Why did she bait this demon with information, with charm, with guile? Oh you masochistic fool! Why did you have to persist to walk down this foolish path and kill us both!

Dancing the dating dance

“I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies.”

-         From the movie He's Just Not That Into You

I don’t know how many of you were nodding your heads in agreement when Drew Barrymore explained her pitiable state of dating and communicating in a technology-reliant society, but I felt that her character was saying everything I wanted to say but in a eloquent yet matter-of-fact way!

Need I say more? Given my dating experience through all the portals and channels available to find the one person I could marry—online, matrimonial columns, matchmakers, priests, friends, friends of friends, relatives and their extended families, colleagues—you would think I would have gained some insight or clarity on the subject.  All that I can tell you is this, with enough conviction and case studies to boot, dating is a murky world. It’s an exhausting platform designed to infuriate you and leave you helpless and confused about who you are, what you want and why are you doing this in the first place. There are more questions each time you go through the whole rigmarole.

Practice makes perfect but practice in the dating world can make cynics out of even the most optimistic, romantic person. 

Stand out and be counted

Inspiration comes from various things and it’s not always your usual suppliers. On an episode of Modern Family, the uncle (who is gay) is comforting his step-brother (who is in high school) not to be worried about being considered weird, because he says that when we are younger we always want to fit in; we don’t want to be one of those different people, but when we get older, we want to stand out and be different. That’s when I had an epiphany … ok …not epiphany but I realized that there was so much truth to that.

The last thing you wanted as a school or college student was to stand out from the crowd. Of course, you wanted to be popular and brilliant and famous but only for the right reasons. You didn’t want to be the make-way-there’s-a-geek-coming-through person. No sir, not at all. So you did the best you could to hide your quirks and blend in. You shopped where everyone shopped, ate what everyone ate and talked, spoke, laughed like everyone else.

When we grow older everything changes. Our priorities don’t allow us to conform. As adults, we want to steer clear from the mundane and the common. We learn very quickly that if we want to be something or get anything, we need to sprint ahead; and the only way we can do this is by being different. So, the difference that we tried so hard to camouflage under the guise of conformity in our younger days is the only thing that is going to make us stand out as adults. And just like that, the things you were so ashamed of as a kid becomes your saving grace. It’s ironical then that when we seek to stand out we no longer find the going easy. It’s like we’ve angered the muses that bestowed those gifts to us in the first place. Try as much as you want, seeking them out again is a painstaking process.

Chance and me

I gave you an opportunity

Said Chance to me

A million and more times over

But I didn’t need it then

I petulantly cried

And you always come when you’re not needed

But Chance is adamant

And doesn’t like being slighted

After all it what is its purpose

if people don’t take him on?

Every single one of them

You squandered, rejected or ignored

And you expect me to forget?

said Chance incredulously.

Ok! I admit I screwed up

I was blind, proud and lazy

But can’t you see I need you now

I sobbed terrified at being left alone.

Chance and I continued to squabble

The conversation was getting nowhere

Or so we thought

But the more we talked

The more we realized

that Chance needed me as much as I needed it.

I need assistance.

He needed validation.

I needed reassurance.

He needed utility.

So now we’ve come to this partial truce

To give each other one more break

I take the chances that he provides

and Chance makes sure that he arrives when needed.