Tuesday, August 30, 2011

5 days of leave

So it's Eid and this time I have 5 days of leave. Every year,w henever we make plans to disappear somewhere for the holidays, the moon plays truant and comes either a day earlier or later, messing with our itinerary. So this yeat, I let it be and decided to do nothing, and as if on cue the moon is sighted Monday night,which means that I have the rest of the week off.

Also, playing spoilt sport is work; I am on standby for Saturday. I just told my boss, this is like punishment for not leaving town. I really don't understand clients and their lack of planning and their assumption that people are available at their beck and call. Just because they have no life and/or a willing to change their plans at the last moment without any repurcussions, doesn't mean that all of us can and/or are willing. Their yardstick of measurement with regards to fairness changes depending on what is being judged. Good bonuses and praises all go to them along with recognition of their 'sacrifice', while our hardwork is just assumed as part of the deal of being lower on the rung.

Anyways, so my first day of the holidays, was spent shopping in the gold area. An area, I usually avoid (why on another day), but since the price of gold seemed less than last week, I decided to brave it out. So now I'm two bangles richer and a cool seven grand poorer. Plus, I also picked my sister's wedding gift, which means that before the start of the next month, I'm already relatively broke.

Monday, August 29, 2011

No quick gun!

It was a shock to say the least. I didn’t expect to feel the violence that comes with discharging a gun. I’ve always felt that I would be trigger happy, I wouldn’t mind shooting from a gun. I honestly believed I had a predilection for shooting, what with all the detective fiction I read and watched in overdoses and still salivated for more. The difference between reality and fantasy absolutely dawned on me when I held that 9mm gun in my hand. It was recreational shooting but nothing prepared me for the violence in the sound of gun discharging, for the kick you feel when the trigger is pressed or for the enormity of the whole act.
My cousin, his friend and I finally managed to make it to the Caracal shooting range after planning over a year. It took so long as we would always plan and then forget. The prices were slightly steep; we paid around AED 275 for 25 rounds and safety instructions (since we were first timers). You could pay another 50 bucks and get another round of 25 bullets. While we were waiting to register, we watched two guys engage in a pistol-shooting duel; the targets looked like bowling pins. The guy on the right knocked down each one of them without missing, while his opponent struggled. I thought, “Great. This I want to do! When can we sign up for that?”
When we were ushered in our section, I was only hoping that there wouldn’t be an audience. Luckily, besides a local guy shooting with a rifle, we were the only ones there. Taking our instructions from our very friendly Pakistani instructor, I could only focus on the overwhelmingly loud shot sounds. So palms sweating, ear mufflers on (I forgot to put the eye shields),I  took my stance and fired. Bang! What did I feel? “What the hell am I doing?” “How do people shoot every day?” “I can’t do this.” “Ok. Relax. One more shot. Slowly…” Mid-way through our session, my cousin finished his; I asked him if he wanted to take over mine. He was in his elements, getting everything on target. He refused and took another round of 25. At one point, I was saying my prayers, wondering why I couldn’t fire even when I was pressing the trigger and hoping that I don’t shoot anybody, worse yet blow up my own face. I don’t have that kind of money to pay off the blood money debt! Whilst all these random, negative thoughts were running through my head, I think the panic showed on my face. The instructor came in and told me to relax. He just needed to reload the cartridge! I felt like a complete idiot.
To say I was nervous would be an understatement but nevertheless my shots were just fine for a first timer.  Considering my lack of aim, I would say it was a pretty bang up job. I think 4 or 5 shots of mine disappeared somewhere, while the rest made it somewhere on my target sheet. Every time the instructor asked me to shut my left eye and focus on the target, I would yell, “I can’t shut my eye. If I shut my eye, I can’t see anything at all.” I would attempt to ‘spot’ the target and then shoot blindly, most of the shooting was blind shots—they might as well have blindfolded me.
I always thought that I would be delighted at finally being able to shoot but I simply didn’t feel nice or even right. Maybe it was nerves, though I was so glad that I didn’t shoot anybody! At the same time I was proud of the fact that my hands were relatively steady and didn’t give in to my trademark hand tremble in nervous situations, though long after that my hand felt quivery and wobbly. I’ll just put that down to adrenaline after the act.
I don’t know if I would want to go again—part of me wants to give it another shot, to try again, and reassess if I am a non-gun type—or whether I should just let it rest and just tick it off my list of things to do and move on to the next sedate thing that is more up my alley.
PS: I meant to upload this last night with pictures (okay just one) and all. Got too lazy, so this goes up as today's post. I'll add the pictures later

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Kook magnet

I have this theory about me and every other day there are incidents that prove beyond doubt that I am right about my theory. So what is this theory that I have? It’s quite simple—that I attract all the possible kind of weirdoes and whack jobs there are to know. Now this is not simply based on random incidents. Almost everyone here has a story to tell that involves a weird person, an unprovoked incident and a public setting.
For me the problem is more pronounced. It is not limited to just one country; it’s just made my ‘experience’ a little more varied—from scary taxi rides to chatty taxi drivers to pestering street guys to downright creepy stalkers. Some of the incidents are funny, laughable actually while some have scared the living daylights out of me!
Even as a child, I remember being harassed for no fault of mine. There are so many stories involving me and lunatics. Seriously! Mad men or women roaming on the streets feel some strange pull towards me. I have been slapped, kicked and taunted on busy streets with my family around. From all the people available, these lunatics zero in on me and attack! These attacks became so frequent that my mom would keep an eye out for them and tuck me away from their sight. It seems scary but the incidents were random; they never followed a pattern of any sort. A family friend suggested that it had something to do with the time of my birth and the moon’s position. Whatever the reasons, I haven’t had an encounter with a lunatic for a long time and I hope it stays that way.
Talking to some of my friends about my propensity to attract society’s misfits, they believe that I am overacting. According to their theory, every person meets a certain number of these so called crazies; the only difference being that I have only about met the crazies and never the nice ones. Which is my point exactly! Why do I always have to be the one encountering these species of the weird kind? Haven’t I fulfilled my quota of the strange and peculiar? What’s with the nice people? Why can’t they feel this pull toward me?
I feel that I walk around with this big target on my head. My friends feel that there is something in my body language that screams ‘easy target’. I am too defensive, too jumpy and too timid on the street. I take that as an insult, considering that the city I spent most of my life in, is guaranteed to make you bold and street smart. Me, who can push and jostle her way around crowded streets, too timid? Egged on by my friends, I am now working on changing this misconception of me as too timid. I put on my fiercest face everywhere I go, scaring some of my friends in the process. I am assertive, talk a lot more loudly and yes it’s done me a lot of good. Just when I thought that my friends were right and I was wrong, and this whole assertiveness has something to it, my amazing run with good people came to a screeching halt. A few days ago I got into a taxi, which coincidentally happened to be the same taxi as the previous day, and as my luck would have it, the taxi driver suggested picking me up every day! I just sighed, said a polite no and put on a fiercer face, and promptly set out earlier than usual today. Why tempt my rotten luck, when I know that the fates will always work against me?

Saturday, August 27, 2011


Found these empty bottles of water on our floor. Somebody clearly fished this out from some forgotten place.

First crush

I spent my Saturday morning watching BBC's version of the Pride and Prejudice. Oh Mr. Colin Firth, you were my first crush. I loved you with all the intensity of a 16-year-old and even today I sigh every time you come on screen.

I remember watching the TV series, every Tuesday (I think) and being transported to Jane Austen's 19th century world of grandeur, eligible bacherlors, scheming mothers and elegant soirees. So, two years ago when I spotted a DVD of the series, I actually did a little jig, swooped in and picked it up and laughed like a lunatic! My colleague, who was clearly afraid of me by then, asked me politely if eveything was okay. I just grinned and went to the cash counter, plonked down 99 AED and clutched the bag to my chest. I had no peace till I reached home after work and played it.

Also, Jennifer Ehle was my perfect Elizabeth Bennett; I don't think anyone else has done justice to the character, certainly not a Ms Aishwarya Rai (hmphf!).

Friday, August 26, 2011

... and the winner is!

For a tournament that began with such enthusiasm only to get sidetracked by mundane things like work and deadlines and presentations, the end was sweet enough for me.

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to announce that the winner of the 2011 office foosball tournament is Skullcandy! Cheers to Jay-shawn and me! This win was especially sweet considering all the countless times my daydreams have taken me to the dizzying heights of success, where I not only shocked people with the win but also surprised them with my skill and ruthlessness. Sigh! To all those who put me in the kacha limboo team eat dirt!

Honestly though the match was tough. Our opponents were a formidable team, the lead guy being somebody who could shoot from his goal post to the other's without touching a single player time after time. My job was to block him as much as possible and I did! I was rock-like and he even kept screaming in frustration asking me to move out of his way. It was a see-saw match, which I thought we were definitely losing. It was tense, fun and long. We could have played at least two other matches in the time it took us to win. We worked hard for every single point and in the end, the cup (okay this year there wasn't) was ours to win.

Did I tell you that we were offered a bribe to lose our semi-final match against Masala Massacre. We took the bribe in open, won and then returned their money.

Below the signature it says: Seal of chief of never pay accounts

What we've won is a day's off and a box of sweets each, which we distributed to all.


I celebrated later at La Boulanger, a quiet place by the sea, with Lebanese food of arayes, saj, mix grill platter, fatoush salad, Moroccan tea, mango-avacado juice, watermelon juice and shisha of watermelon and rose flavour.

My camera phone does not do justice to the place.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Coincidence cross connection

Coincidences. Do you believe in them? Most of us do and I certainly do. How else would you explain the fact that when you are thinking of something, it happens to pop in front of you? Coincidences have a funny way of manifesting themselves.
Haven’t you ever experienced yourself randomly thinking about something and it happens. I remember one particularly funny incident. I was in church and as usual distracted. When they were passing around the offertory collection, I was reflecting on the fact that it was so systematic and nobody drops it. What would happen if it did? And clang! Somebody dropped it! I mentally kicked myself for not wishing for something else.
There are countless episodes like this when you wonder about the power of wishful thinking, and most often than not all the useless, random thoughts are the ones that seem to fructify. So much for willing the universe to dance to your tunes.  I remember one of my friends remarking that you should watch what you wish for. Apparently God listens to you at one point in the day and grants you whatever you’ve been thinking. And try as much as I want I try to keep thinking materialistically or train my thoughts on getting that one thing that has eluded me so far but somehow or the other, an errant thought slips through and uses up my quota for the day. But then I’ll keep persisting and hoping and wishing. As they say “every dog has its day”!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A song for every occasion

All through yesterday evening I was wondering over the fact that I know so many cheesy Hindi movie songs, beats and all, yet, when I decided to list them down, they all ran away in the deserted folds of my brain! What’s more surprising is that for some of the songs I know the verses and not just the chorus only!
The few that happened to stick around include:
  • A aa ee, o,oo, ooh, mera dil na thodo – Raju babu
  • Aare chad gaya upar re (Gutar gutar)  – Dalal
  • Mein toh raste se ja raha ta – Coolie No. 1
  • Meri pant bhi sexy
  • Back marti hai, front marti hai, dekho yeh ladki current marti hai
  • Bholi baali ladki – Sabse bada Khiladi
  • Ladki badi hai kamal ki
  • Main sach kehta hu aapki kasam (Stop That) - Gambler
  • Ruk ruk ruk, aare baba ruk, oh my darling give me a look - Vijaypath
  • Kya aada kya jalwe tere paro, o paro  - Shastra
  • Hai huku hai huku hai hai, yeh ladki mere samne mera dil liye jaye jaye
  • Neend aati nahi, chain jaata nahi, kya hua hai mujhe, dard jaata nahi
  • LML Baba LML, hone they baba LML, let’s make love bay-bay - Hathkadi
  • My adorable darling, I think of you every night every morning - Main Khiladi Tu Anari
  • Main ladki po po pom, tu ladka po po pom – Hera Pheri
  • P, P, P, P piya, G, G, G, G jiya, piya tune mera jiya le liya – Prem Deewane
  • Jhoom, Jhoom karta hai mera jiya
  • Meri Marzi - Gambler
  • Ladki hai Kya re baba – Laadla

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Digital Legacy

A lot of our lives is online these days. We chat, video chat, twitter, blog, podcast, exchange emails, store our pictures, personal data, work and more. People once believed that there is a parallel universe that replicates our lives but interprets it according to its own universe; well now we live in a virtual world that is akin to a number of parallel universes. We can be who we want to be, anonymous perfect little creatures to live out our fantasies and goals that the real world has somehow put a brake on.
Recently I came across an article that dealt with digital information and what happens to it after the user’s death. After a person dies, most of this information remains unknown to his family and disappears into a cyber abyss. It’s something that most of us easily overlook. We make wills to take care of our loved ones, save and invest for a rainy day, make copies and backups of our memories in real and virtual sense, we squabble over possession of material goods but very few of us bother about what happens to our fiefdom in virtual space. Our real collection of comics, books and everything taggable in the real world are passed on to people we think will deserve it, but what happens to our online collection of songs, ebooks, movies and more?
According to the article some sites like Facebook have a concept of memorialising an account, which means that when they are informed of a person’s death, Facebook keeps the wall open so that family and friends can still access it; they delete certain info as well. In a way, there are ways to access information if you know the login details or say only the username.  One step ahead is a new online service called Legacy Locker that stores people’s login details and passes it on to a caretaker in the event of the user’s death.  So more and more people are creating something called digital legacies and will to take care of their digital data.  
On the flip side, say you are a healthy person, who creates and will and dies suddenly? But before your sudden death you didn’t get a chance to remove traces of your other self from there. What happens then? This scenario can play out whether we plan our lives or not. Our digital lives serve as an excuse to get away from the selves that fate has created of us. So we let go all our inhibitions and fears, and pursue avenues and pleasures that we would deny ourselves. And it’s a fact that we all have secrets safely stashed in the virtual world—pornography, erotic writings, emails from our adulterous lives, photographs and videos of our hidden exploits, our secret abilities and lot that stays buried in a pile of virtual junk.  Not all of this is seedy; there are a few who are too shy or reserved, who explore their talents just for themselves. They keep secret files like secret journals of their lives and live a fulfilled life that their real self denies them.
Imagine what happens when this virtual Pandora box opens on the very people we tried to hide it from? Much like the yarn unspooling from the spindle, secrets have a way of unraveling at the worst time. There is no way to stop the surprise, hurt and the shock. These secrets leave us exposed just like we were before on the doctor’s table being autopsied. People prod and poke us and measure and study and remove our insides for others to see. They judge us, the see us for what we really are and there’s nothing we can do.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Yaaawnn!

Lack of sleep tends to make one sleepy is a truth, but is it also true that excess sleep makes one more sleepy/lazy? The latter seems to be true in my case at least. I’ve noticed that the more I sleep, the more sleepy I feel for the rest of the day!
Given that I slept for seven hours last night, there can be no explanation for the lethargy I feel today. Caught in this limbo somewhere between wakefulness and sleep, I feel like everything is moving in slow motion. I’ve dozed off a dozen times already, twice while walking around!
Don’t blame me if this post makes no sense. It’s just how I feel.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Miss the manners

You would think that being educated would guarantee some semblance of manners and etiquette in people. It’s a foolish hope I’ve realised. Education just guarantees literacy, everything else depends on morality, upbringing and conscience.  
I’m not talking about grand gestures and thumping parades; it’s all about simple things. At the food court in a mall, do you pick up your tray or leave it there for the cleaners? If you happen to drop food on the floor or the table where you sit, do you pick that up as well or it is the cleaner’s job? I make it a point to put everything on the tray and as far as possible dispose it off myself (unless the cleaner pops up and insists on taking it). I understand with kids, it’s difficult to be so fastidious, but maybe we can try and do what we can.
It irritates me when I find people behaving so callously. Sure, there are people assigned to do a task, however menial it may be, but that doesn’t mean that we have to make their work all the more difficult. It doesn’t give us the right to deliberately add to their burden.
Take for example a public loo. For us it may seem like one stall, one sink, but that poor person has to do the entire bathroom, all the stalls and all the sinks for an eight- to twelve-hour shift. Must we be so uncaring and cavalier?
We’ve all picked up an attitude of others picking up after us. We grumble when we see a mess, but what do we do about it. Are we contributing to it or making a tiny effort to lessen the burden? What gives us the right to grumble, when we are as guilty as the next person? We blame ‘them’ the others …it’s never us, but how are we in our office, where we are seemingly surrounded by ‘others’ who are just like us? Like the ladies loo in my office; we have notices put all over asking, no begging, for cleanliness but no. The floor is left wet, the seat wet and sometimes with pee droplets, the occasional red blobs and skid marks of a healthy bowl movement! Why? Why? Why? Each time you step in, you wonder what surprise awaits you. Toilet rolls are used one and empty ones kept standing (are we counting how many we use in a day?), used ones that fall on the floor are left there, make up stains and hair strands dirty the sink. Is it too much to just take a peek behind you to ensure that everything is clean and flushed? You got a clean, pristine bathroom; why not leave it like that for the others?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Maybe I Love You

I feel like I'm baring my soul with this and I'm exposing too much. I rarely am comfortable with letting others in. I hide it all.

It wasn’t magical, there were no sparks as such but it was real. My head was filled with the fantasy-coloured opinion on how love would be, how it would feel to be in love, how I would know that I was in love. It wasn’t anything I thought it would be, yet it had everything I hoped to feel; the only thing was I had to watch love go away to realize that ‘this’ what  I was feeling, this numbness inside, the paleness on the face and the tears brimming my eyes were signs of a heartbreak.
This was a gentle sort of love, the kind that slowly builds. It was something I felt, but having never felt like this before, I didn’t know what is was. I put it down to possessiveness and proximity and dependency and a million other things, yet I could never explain why I was happier when you were around, why I was so conscious and shy when you were around, why I aligned myself to mirror you, why I looked out, after and towards you, why your opinions mattered, why it used to upset me to see you upset, why I cried every time we fought and why every time I reached out to sort it out.
I cannot find another reason to explain that need to be around you constantly. It filled my heart with so much joy, yet I never recognized it. Sometimes, I think I did, but I quelled every thought that sprung in that direction. I ran from love, I ran from you. I realized it, when it was time to wish you joy, when the wetness on my face was from the tears pouring from my eyes, and the incomprehensible listlessness that followed me everywhere was the ache caused by the inevitable grieving of my broken heart. My face may have been serene, there may have been laughter even, but I cried inside, far away from prying eyes.
It took so much pain, to feel love at last. But I have no regrets. For you gave me love, you brought me to love.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

All grown up?

Why did we ever want to grow up? Being an adult is tough. You are responsible for your life in ways you can never imagine. Every decision you make or fail to make is entirely yours. What to eat, where to live, whom to love or hate, where to work, whom to be indebted or obligated, whom to help or avoid, these are just basic decisions that you, just you, have to make.
What was wrong with being told what to do? At least if anything ended badly you didn’t have to deal with the fact that it was your mistake. You had somebody else to blame; somebody else to rely on. But no, we had to want to grow up, we had to have it all. We had to be independent, had to live separately, and get stuck with the choices we made. When we were kids, if we sucked at playing the piano, we could give our parents the ‘I-told-you-so’ look but whom do we blame when we have a big fat ‘F’ circled in red for an arts test, an elective we thought we could handle? We may have tons of excuses but it boils down to just one thing—you messed up.
As kids, we cribbed about having to study irrelevant things and envied our older siblings for having the choice of subjects and clothing and freedom and money. And when we reached their age, we realised that being in college was not all that rosy. Who knew that you had to read tons of books to write out a decent essay and that you had to work so hard to afford a wardrobe? And it only got worse. You kept hoping that at some stage you would achieve some semblance of order and living. No wonder Peter Pan never wanted to grow up! It sucks being an adult.
Of course, you get to stay up late and pass out drunk, and eat take-out food every day, but when you have to clean after your upchuck and appear bloated and bleary eyed at work, it no longer is fun. Being grown up and being responsible is hard. Unfortunately responsibility is not just going to go away. Either you learn to stand up and take control or face the consequences.
But being an adult is not really that bad. You just need to shake off the lethargy and get a system in place. You make mistakes and you learn and it’s a pretty good feeling when you fall and rise up all on your own. The clothes, the sex, the independence, no curfew or parents to report to, it’s all great and all but nothing comes close to the feeling of exhilaration you get when you come on top despite all odds. You have a problem, you figure out a solution and that’s all there is to it.
You realise that being grown-up has it perks, like being children had its perks as well. What matters is how you look at it. Are you going to whine about having so much to do or are you going to take care of it one thing at a time? Because there is something to be said for this whole be-the-architect-of-your-own-life—nobody else can do it for you and nobody can take it away, unless of course you let them. But like all things, in the end it all boils down to you.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Round 2

So we made it through Round 2 of the Foosball Tournament. This victory was made sweeter by the fact that we beat the team that classified themselves "Team Winning". Who's laughing now?

Somehow I feel that the tournament is going to fizzle out with injuries, absences, drop-outs and work causing teams to be shuffled, losers getting second chances and match schedules rearranged!


Feels like heaven

The feel-good factor. Most of us have that something that makes us feel good all the time. No matter what state of mind we are in, how tired or how busy we might be, its presence is enough to make us forget everything else. Chocolates, food, wine, books, stamps, babies, cars, butterflies, nature, people, places, silence, service, prayer—the list is endless.
Libraries, book stores, book piles, books, a book—that’s my thing. I simply love books and anything that has to do with the printed word. Libraries are like a candy store for me, my heart beats faster, I lose hand-eye coordination, I break out into peals of laughter and don’t know where to start from. My eyes glisten up like a Christmas tree, and my fingers itch to touch and run through the aisles and aisles of books. I turn into what all greedy people turn into when they face temptation—drooling monsters. Once I calm down and find something to read, I am enclosed in a capsule of warm and fuzzy feeling of being home. This is where I want to be, to live here and die contentedly, surrounded by row after row, stack after stack of books.
My college is a 140-year-old institution founded by the Jesuit priests, and it’s no surprise that it has a library that literally melts my heart. Actually, the college has two libraries—the reference library and the lending library. I was familiar with both. I knew where every book of my interest was, and one could find me sitting crossed leg on the floor of the lending library surrounded by a stack of books. In the reference library I would sit in the section where they had these restricted books—so called because they were original and old copies of books that couldn’t be taken out. Imagine how excited I felt to be in the exalted company of ancient books.
The smell of old mouldy books (except of course the ones with industrial glue) and the crispy crackling sound of new books, are as appealing as the smell of first rain on scorched dry earth.  The minute I hold a book that I want to read, I am transformed into this other person who can’t be bothered with trivial things like food and drink, day or night, work and rest. I immerse myself into it wholly and give it my undivided attention.
I find myself renewed at libraries. I go stark, raving mind when I find a new library or a book store. I go wild with euphoria—the feeling I get is indescribable, almost like a cross between a running around like a kid in Disneyland and a bubbling brook that wants to break free and dive headlong into the vast ocean. The silence of the place, the gentle rustling of pages, the scribble of notes being made, it’s like dying and finding heaven.  Like James Crossley once said, “It is impossible to enter a large library... without feeling an inward sensation of reverence, and without catching some sparks of noble emulation, from the mass of mind which is scattered around you.”
My personal collection of books I something I go through once every year, and every time I pile them up and rearrange them, I get a feeling of uncontained joy, happiness and peace. Each book has a story to tell and a few of them are markers of personal milestones. I now get what the dispossessed and philosophical Prospero in Shakespeare’s The Tempest felt when he said, “My library was dukedom large enough.” My collection is beyond and above anything a property of sentimental attachment and my very own small universe of knowledge.
PS: I stumbled upon this post that put that a smile on my face - Date a girl who reads


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Mother's recipe

Patoleos (sourced image, I didn't leave any for a pic!)
There's nothing like a meal cooked by one's mom that acts like an instant pick me up! My sister just got back from a short break home and packed along with her some of my favourite food. Considering that I had a bleh, hastily chowed down lunch, dinner was an exciting fare of fried rawas (Indian salmon), prawns in rechad masala and for dessert patoleos made in honour of the Feast of Assumption! I couldn't have asked for more.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Hail to the writers

As I child I used to read a lot of books. Each one opened up a world where characters didn’t just exist on page. They used to come alive literally with words that were spun together so elegantly. My fascination for the written word exploded when I studied literature in college. Here was the whole unexplored world of authors I revered and some names I never ever heard of waiting for me to read and learn. Each of the books not only showed the authors’ flair with words but also revealed how well they understood human behavior and psyche. 
To take an idea and display it across pages without losing your way is a task I find extremely difficult to perform. What I lack in flair, I have to make with the doggedness. All my life, I’ve marveled at people’s ability to write beautifully. It’s not just the images they evoke; it’s the sentiments they arouse. All good writers possess this ability to express everything that the human emotion range has to offer in words that fit perfectly. Most of the times, this admiration turns into a rage of jealousy. Why can’t I manage to hold one coherent thought for more than a fleeting second? Ideas and words run away from me like people shunning the diseased. I sit to write but no thoughts beyond the first line come. Imaginative writing is not for me. Give me a piece of research where I have to quote or work on an interview and I can do a fairly decent job.
Writers are inspired by the world around us. Ordinary things get transformed into something new and brilliant, a vague feeling becomes an awe-inspiring emotion, a shifty, shapeless entity transforms into a character to be loved or reviled. It amazes me, this endless capability to be able to exactly and correctly capture the subtleties, the nuances, the theatrics that an action or incident can invoke. How do writers manage to explore thoughts and actions and investigate what drives people? How do they manage to bring out the darkest desires, and scrape the skin off our hidden emotions and expose the raw, unprotected aspects of human behavior? Across genres, words that touch the heart and evoke happiness, tears, joy, pain, guilt, release, confidence are the handiwork of people blessed by the ability to put down in words exactly what you and I feel.
When I sit to write, my thoughts are contained and restricted; I sit and stare most often, frustrated by this impotency. At times, the words just flow and spew out like a rabid disease that needs to be fed. There is this urge to write down every single little thought that pops in the head. Nothing exists beyond the words. As long as the fever lasts, I can only breathe words. Nothing exists beyond them. And when the frenzy ends, there is this sense of loss, like a piece of me was taken away.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Update

So I played the my first match and we WON! Skullcandy moves to the next round! I was nervous and played a rubbish game but thanks to jay-shawn we pulled off a fantastic win. Phew! The game oscillated like a pendulum on crack. At one point we were leading 3-0 and then went down 4-7, to then score 2 more points and then face defeat at 6-9 but a brilliant angled shot by me (the crowd said brilliant) frazzled the opponents who didn't know what hit them when we levelled at 9-9. It was a relief to see our goal scored.

On Tuesday, we play Mr. Voiceman and my best friend in the UAE. I have a feeling that this one is ours!

Away

I don’t know who I am
I don’t see me anywhere
I’m the loser whichever way you look
I’m the one who has to back down
I don’t know if I can stand another blow
I don’t know if I have the strength to face the truth
I’m the one left standing alone
I’m not where I used to be

You stand where I used to
Confident, articulate, steady
I’ve been reduced to something I can’t recognise
A quivering, emotional wreck
I wonder if life will be kind to you
And spare you the pain I was put through

It was a minor loss of fidelity
I chose to ignore the signs
Never one to forgive and forget
I’m still paying the price

Saturday, August 13, 2011

What should I read?

I've narrowed it down to these, yet I don't know which one should I pick up. I usually read three to four books at a time or if an absolutely gripping story compels me to finish it in one go, then I stick to just one. I've read a chapter of One Day, a few pages of Bones of the Hills and still not happy.

I have to be in the mood to read a particular story. It should appeal to me, should appease my senses at that moment. Earlier this year I decided to read fewer novels of the detective/thriller genre and expand my reading pool to include other stuff. I realised that the stories were getting predictable and I was just skimming through most of them. I needed something else to broaden my world view so to speak. So I'm trying a little drama, a little history, a little human interest novels and more.

For now I think I'll pass on the books and continue with my CSI season 1 marathon. :)

Friday, August 12, 2011

Spotted!

 
Nallis! Yum!

Last week, at a tea cafe I found these. They took me back to school instantly. Putting them on my fingers and munching was absolute fun. Mom would forbid me from eating it when I was in school but I snuck and bought them nevertheless.


And then I found this too... the ghastly spelling aside, notice the second item?




 PS: A few blocks from home there is a hoarding for a company called "Gulf Erection Co." Ahem!



Thursday, August 11, 2011

May it be

“And everything else will take care of itself”.
I have this thought running in my head ever so often and I sometimes wonder if I really believe in it or not. Do I have the ability to trust that God, the universe or some other higher entity will look after me? My belief system is shaky, negotiable at best. Since I believe in the existence of God, I turn to him to help me sail through life’s ups and downs. Yet I also believe that those who are closest to Him, He tests in some very strange ways. So I share this love-hate relation with God. I tell Him that I love him and I adore Him but only this much. I speak to Him saying, “I know you trust me implicitly but I have my doubts. I fear coming close to you will make me want to change and I don’t want to give up on the things I enjoy doing, even though I know that most of them hurt you and cause you pain. But don’t you realize that these are the things that define me and make me the ‘me’ that I am.”
And those times when you fear all is lost and there is nothing good that can come out of it, everything just takes care of itself. It’s like magic. And who can just wonder at the patterns unfolding right before you. The solutions are simple yet you never see them. I believe that no matter how much we say that we believe, no matter how strongly we profess our faith, there is that little niggling thread off doubt that doesn’t really allow you to let go completely. We surrender, we say, but we don’t. And when things take a turn for the worse, when despair sets in and you lose all hope that is the moment when you actually surrender. That invisible thread of doubt finally snaps and you are set free. That moment of complete and abject surrender is when everything takes care of itself.
It’s a process that we undergo all the time and irrespective of the number of times this happens, we fail to hold on to that belief. True clarity emerges at the darkest hour and we see it, sense it in every fibre of our being; but it’s not forever. It’s a momentary phase when we let ourselves go and open our minds and hearts to be embraced by an unexplainable sense of peace and calm. And within a moment it’s gone. And we come back to ourselves, the same but carrying along a voice in the back of our heads, assuring us that everything will take care of itself.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The mystery of the disappearing things

I often think there is a chor bazaar style flea market operating in my city and some of my colleagues moonlight as blackmarketers. How else would you explain the fact that we have no scissors or tape or staplers easily available? The only ones you can find are tethered by sutli threads or plastic extensions to tables and drawers. But that isn't always a guarantee against theft as one of my colleagues found out. He reached for his stapler and found only thread!

Pencils, erasers, pens and post-it notepads all disappear with alarming regularity. Mostly people are too lazy to go to the supply closet or ask the office assistant for something they need. Why take the trouble when it's easier to pick stuff from someone's desk and then have the temerity to tell others to go take another one! After I've lost some personal decorative pieces, found my pencil holder emptied of all its contents, and post-its (that I brand so that I know they are mine) floating around, I've kept everything under lock and key. Even tissue boxes are not safe. I've stuck mine to my desk with tape and double tape. Some jokers take the last one but leave the box for me to throw!

Things are so bad that food from the fridge disappears as well. Anything you keep in the fridge is treated like public property. Like it's a magical box that fills up on its own! I've had my sandwiches eaten, juices drunk and once (hold your breath) my lunch box (the entire thing food and all) just disappeared. Two years later I still haven't found it! You've eaten my food but return my box please. My lunch box now comes with my name tagged on it (much like how school kids would do). I thought I was the only one, till I noticed another colleague who also tagged her fruit boxes. Another guy leaves a threatening message that goes: This is my food, not yours. Anyone who touches it, will die a thousand deaths.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Invisible

My voice screams out
The crowd moves on
I’m tugging and pulling
But no one sees me
I’m invisible
To all
I call out some more
My hands and legs flail about
If it hits someone
I don’t know
No one seems to feel me
I’m crushed
Lost
Time and again
The sequence repeats itself
The voice still cries out
Feebler now
I’m part of the crowd
Still unseen
I’ve no more strength
I let it be
The voice dies
I fade within
Silence, silently embracing
Oblivion

Monday, August 8, 2011

Travel Travails

Commuting is an interesting teacher. Where else would you learn the lessons of strategy, timing and position? Take for instance, hailing a cab. Every morning, there are countless people like you waiting for the taxi. Some are successful, others are not. It all depends on where you stand, what time you reach the stop and how ready are you to fight for it. Then of course it also depends on how lucky a day you’re experiencing.
Imagine yourself waiting for a taxi for a while now and one just stops near you dropping off the old passenger. You align yourself with the taxi, marking it as yours. Then out of the blue this person just swoops in and opens the front door. Do you make a noise or throw your hands up? Usually making a noise works, unless of course that annoying person is thick-skinned enough to ignore you and take it irrespective. And the answers I’ve received range from the presumptuous ‘I’m a hurry’ (yeah and I’m not) to the annoying ‘that’s not my problem’ (you’re the problem actually) to the ridiculous ‘well, too bad’ (seriously!). I don’t drive but if this anger at being robbed of your rightful taxi does not count as road rage, I don’t know what would.
Have you travelled by local trains in Mumbai? There are several lessons to be learnt and surprises every step of the way. Like for example, you jump in and out of trains before they make a complete halt. While getting out, you may not believe that you can make the jump but the people behind firmly believe that you can. Why else would they give you that push that hurtles you out? And getting in? If you’re not in the front row of people getting in, hanging on to the sides of the door, prepare to be pushed, dragged, shoved, pulled in all directions possible. Your bags (thanks to the fact that they are slung across your chest) make it in with you, but sometimes your shoes may not. Which is another lesson you learn — don’t wear sandals or slip-ons which don’t have back support or you’ll be walking barefoot.
Getting in the train is half the battle won. You need to get out of people’s way before the next station comes or you’ll be pressed like a sheet. You learn to be a contortionist cum ballerina. After all you are standing on your toes (sometimes one foot only) and one of your arms is reaching out to a handle; your body is twisted at angles your geometry lessons never taught you about. And that’s when you realize how flexible you really are. So you push your way through with perseverance you didn’t know you had and reach the insides of the Calcutta-like black hole of a compartment. You heave a sigh of relief, you are relatively crushed but at least you are relaxed and standing on your two feet. You stand and watch as the next batch of people pass through the gates of hell.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Nod your head if you agree


I have been carrying this cut-out for quite some time now. Makes me laugh all the time!

PS: I know it's kinda crooked ... let it be!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Just an ordinary day.

Does this happen to you often? You know those kind of days when you want to shut yourself indoors and do nothing, because deep down you feel that nothing is going to work out well. Today, is just one of those days, when no matter what you do, nothing will be done.

It started with the taxi driver taking me around on a city tour. Anyone who knows me, knows how rubbish my sense of direction and orientation is. And compounding my problem, is the fact that buildings here have no names ; you identify them by the stores that operate on the ground floor. So you could stay in a building that houses a bank, a grocery store, a furniture outlet, a pharmacy etc. But you know what the screw up is? Each of these establishments has a branch on practically every street or sometimes just to add to our collective confusion a new and old outlet on the same street!

Back to my taxi 'ride'. So I tell him I want to go to K on X street. He takes a wrong turn, so I reconfirm if he is taking me to K on X street. He nods and drops me off at K on Y street! We argue, and he insists and frustrated with the whole situation, I get down. Hail another taxi and you know what? He doesn't know how to get there either. Perfect! Fortunately I give him three other landmarks that only fall on that street and I reach K on X street.

It's a busy day, people are crawling around half asleep, my work is delayed, half the things I want are not there. So I head back home.

I have to venture out again in the evening for Mass and I know it's going to be a headache getting back home. Mass will end at 7:oo which coincides with the Iftar time, so most of the cab drivers will be off the road breaking their fast. At least this one I'm ready for!


Friday, August 5, 2011

the look

I'm not sure if I even wrote this :) but nevertheless I'm posting it here

your hand touches my hair
and time seems to slow down
i look in your eyes and
follow the sounds of your voice

every word coming out seems like a song
every look melts me from inside
i'm standing straight but only just
i'm breathless, i'm dizzy, i'm in love

for the very first time i feel
that i am coming alive
that i can fly, or leap, or dive
or do anything that i want

your hand brushes mine
and a thousand sparks light me up
i blush, i smile and catch your eye

they tell me that i am special
they make me feel loved

Foosball Mania

It took a reminder from you J for me to realise that I had not uploaded anything today. I was honestly under the impression that I did. Which now brings me to the question, what did I do today morning? err... nothing. I'm a blank, seriously. So my uploading a post was actually done yesterday. Sheesh!

Anyways, I did forget to mention that Foosball table number 3 is back in the office. This can only mean 3 things - the noise will be back, the swearing and whooping will be louder than before and the tournament will be back! Yes, the famous interoffice Foosball tournament - where we perform far better than we do on an actual football ground (who can forget the 7 - 0 drubbing we got despite having the best cheering squad). Whenever management decides to get us a foosball table (before the noise and complaints from the suits make them dismantle and/or throw out the table) we also persuade them to allow us to organise a foosball tournament. The first year we got nothing as prizes, the next year, medals and certs and this year one day of leave!

Now everyone knows in a game, there are those who are skilled and those who just don't have it. So to make the game fair (and to allow all employees to participate) the foosball heavyweights (which include Mr Perfect and my Voiceman) decided to divide people according to talent. My name fell in the second half (I was aghast at the inference of being a kaccha limboo). I protested and actually got patronised! But as they say Karma can be quite the equaliser. I drew one of the stronger players in my team Jay-Shawn! So eat that suckers!

Last year, my team mate and I called ourselves Feathertouch, since both of us were fairly new to the game and we could not hit powershots. I would like to say we had grace and style as against brute force! Hah! This year Jay-Shawn and I are Skullcandy after the fact that he loves the brand, and he is into skulls and the like, and I distribute candy around the office.



(This is last year's pic... a before match, last minute instruction session) 

PS: Did I tell you we have the chance to 'train' for a week before the tournament begins the week after that. So I'll be sweating and swearing and working hard on forcing my wrists to hit that angled shot. Wish me luck people!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Very superstitious

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long, you’ll have good luck
We all have our little rituals. Things that we do on an everyday basis that gives us comfort—getting down from the left side of the bed, keeping your bags on one side of the desk, wearing your blue tie to interviews, aligning your pens, drinking from the same mug before every exam and more. These could be little idiosyncrasies that we pick up knowingly or unknowingly as we live. We take comfort in these rituals and want to stick to them as much as possible.
We would not like to call them superstitions but that’s what they are. Little acts of habit as a way of reassuring us that all is well. Do we feel open or vulnerable in their absence? Does a slight detour from these routines throw us off kilter? No matter how successful or powerful we may be, we all like to stick to our little habits and it doesn’t take long for these ‘habits’ to become superstitions.
We may not believe in good luck charms and knocking on wood but take away our little habitual comforts and we become nervous and twitchy. Things begin to go wrong and we attribute it to the break in our routine. Game enthusiasts often wear their favourite shirts to a game not only because they love their team, but also because their team fares well whenever they do. And who would not want to give his team that extra bit of luck. Players themselves are known to believe in this. Steve Waugh, the Australian ex-captain carried a red hanky for luck (and there was something about wearing the same cap for his test matches). I also remember watching tennis player Goran Ivansevic (sigh!) often ask the ball boys to return the same ball if he served an ace or scored a huge point with it!
How many of us avoid walking under ladders, fear the number 13, hate when a cat crosses our path? (the cat one is definitely mine). Unfortunate as it may seem, we tag all negative occurrences with a break from habit and look for something to blame when things go wrong. In the replay of minds we see many ‘what ifs’ and realise that if we’d only stick to a pattern, nothing would have go wrong. And nothing ever does go wrong, because we don’t move away from this comfort zone. The last thing we want to do is offend the Gods, so a little ritualistic living is not too much to ask.
Superstitions are our way of keeping things in control. We may not have all the answers and life is too hard to understand. We’ll stick to what we know and what keeps us safe. We need reassurances and if it comes wrapped up in our lucky colour with a four-leaf clover, who are we to grumble. We grab it with both hands and wrap ourselves in its warmth.   

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

If only

Going through my stuff a few months ago, I found this little notebook that I used to carry around with me almost a decade ago. Stashed within and on the pages were hundreds of observations, newspaper clippings, little to-do notes and lists, numbers and email ids (when I din't have one and the rest of the world was catching up with Mr Internet), drawings and doodles, a few notes from my PR orientation class in XIC and a whole lot of assorted rubbish. I was marvelling on the contents and about what fascinated me then, when I spotted something. A little piece of paper with a poem (at least an attempt) written by me at what was possibly one of my most nightmarish periods of doubt, conflict and self loathing.

The poem titled 'If only' drew from a line that I read somewhere: "If, a two-letter word for futility". I'm posting it here for the very first time, for public (gulp) consumption.

The need to leave is overwhelming 
To fade away and never been seen
To mingle away with crowds and drown in their numbers
To waste away and die slowly

My heart wants a million things
To be loved, liked and accepted
But most of all it wants to be free

Free, from needing to prove myself at every step
Free from explaining my every move
And agonizing at every wrong turn taken

“If, a two letter word for futility”
How much of my life has wished to be
On the other better side of ‘if’
If only …


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Makes no sense

What is it with us girls and falling for rogues? The mysterious glowering rogue, the brooding, silent philosopher, the rules eschewing artsy soul and the troublesome outlaw somehow draw us to them.  All the clichés and all the tripe about opposites attract and how good girls like bad guys and how everyone loves a rebel aside, can someone really explain this attraction. We know he’s not for us; we know it’s not going to last but nevertheless we knowingly plunge headfirst into the ‘romance’.  
It starts with contempt and disgust and through continued acquaintance it transforms into liking and adoration and before long ardent love. How the hell does that happen? We all believe we are above the usual tricks that people do, we can recognise flattery from a mile, we are immune to affectations of all manner yet inexplicably we are fascinated by them. No amount of verbal self flagellation, criticism from others or distance of any kind can keep this attraction from manifesting itself often in disastrous and embarrassing ways.
Familiarity is supposed to breed contempt and absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder but why don't these rules apply to these bad boy attractions?

Monday, August 1, 2011

Ramadan Kareem

It’s the first day of the holy month of Ramadan, which means that there is a shift in how we function here in the Middle East. Working hours are reduced, eating restrictions are applied and commuting gets harder.
It’s also the first of August, which means that J and I are embarking on our ‘31 posts in August’ mission.  So good luck J! I know I’m going to win. I have everything planned. J
The first also holds another significance in my house. Every year on this day we all have a bite of a piece of coconut topped with jaggery.  I don’t know the origins and how this ritual started but apparently the month of August saw many illnesses and eating coconut and jiggery was like a good luck thing you did to ward off evil. Today, for the first time, I forgot! I reached work and then I realised. Now I’m wondering if I eat it later in the day, does the magic still work?
Every Ramadan there is a set of questions that plague me:
What will my work timings be? The nature of my work doesn’t allow for fixed timings but that doesn’t stop me from getting excited knowing that I’m only going to work for six hours ( even if it’s just on paper).
Eid! I need to plan my holidays accordingly. We usually have a 5-day break (government offices get a week long) but the moon usually plays truant and cuts it to three! So Eid ka chaand kab nikhelega becomes the all important question.
Will I get a taxi? Ramadan means fighting for taxis. Because of suhoor (the meal eaten before fajr, or dawn) almost all offices start at 9, which translates into more people and fewer taxis. Calling the taxi company seems like my only hope. Taking the bus would also be an option but I don’t really fancy walking the 5 minutes in this killing heat!
Why do I feel like drinking and eating on the road only during Ramadan? Believe me, since eating, drinking or even chewing gum in public is strictly prohibited during fasting hours, I feel the constant urge to do just that. Reverse psychology I tell you!
Where and what will I eat? Restaurants are shut in the morning and the few that operate only offer take away with limited options. The restaurants serving food are obligated to cover themselves so as not to offend the fasting faithful.  And in office, ever since the kitchen was converted into the accountant’s room (all the more reason to hate them) we have no place to eat. Eating on our desks would just be bad manners. We are still working on that … it’s just the first day.