Monday, May 19, 2014

Jugaad

He sat on his throne of leather and steel, a figure to be revered, adored and loved. Ornate displays, trophies and games of the pampered of society marked his chamber. And like the wealthy, he never failed to display his largesse—donations, charities, grand gestures and lots of gifts, even if most of them were fancy knickknacks he fell out of love with.

His kingdom was large; its goodness well known, its skill unparalleled, and its people happy. In the early days of his reign, he toured the kingdom, met the people, encouraged and rewarded good work—he was a gardener who tended to his flowers lovingly. He even held regular darbars and threw open his palace gates for festivities.

This carried on for a few years—a blissful and satisfied king and his kingdom. Everything seemed fine, but the truth, the people’s truth is made up of everyday realities, of their hardships and their turmoil.  The kingdom was failing—its values disintegrating, its economy fragile and its people discontent.

There was no doubt that the king was a great leader but like all people in power, it consumed him. He worked towards entrenching himself rather than working for the benefit of the people. He got complacent, resting on his past glories, assured of his subjects’ loyalty.

But the people were painfully aware of their difficult lives and were agitated by this change. What should they make of a leader who was becoming increasingly ineffective? When they asked him, he had no answers. He shrugged his shoulders, looked at his ministers, who also solemnly nodded their heads in agreement. When the questions got more persistent, he got more defensive. “You have to work harder”. “Change things, find your motivation”. “If you can’t, then leave”, he thundered.

One fine day, a group of travellers came to visit the kingdom. They had heard all about the glories of this wonderful place and wanted to experience it. When faced with the reality of the present, they were disappointed but they also saw this as an opportunity to bring in their learnings from other kingdoms.

The first thing they told the king was to reduce expenditure and reshuffle his cabinet. And, how did the king go about it? He went all out—banned any kind of celebration, reduced the number of community meal centres, imposed more fines on trivial offences and sold off anything or anyone he didn’t think necessary.

To the king, the plan seemed to have worked, but the people? Oh! How they suffered the fancies of a crazy master. The complaints increased, the king fumed. “Do you think you’ve been the only one to suffer? Look at me! I’ve had to cut down my retinue from 250 to 200! And I am surrounded by idiots. But do I complain?”

The people were aghast. Couldn’t the king see how his new advisors were ruining the kingdom? Couldn’t he see that they were alienating his loyal ones? Rumours flew all around—of disappearances, of deceit, of murderous plots, of debts. Who could be trusted?

Eventually, leaving this rotting state was the only sensible option.  All the experienced artisans, farmers, builders, blacksmiths began leaving one by one. And when they did, their underlings were suddenly forced to yield results. Their king had commanded, so they did. Their half-baked knowledge coupled with inexperience only produced weak work, which could not hold up to the magnificence of the greats. But did the king notice? No. “Talent is everywhere,” he said. “And I have the gift to spot talent”. But do you, O great king, remember the last time you used this gift?

In this spluttering state of affairs, deserted by even his loyal ministers, the king floundered. And found cheap replacements. When that didn’t work, he used guile and sweet promises, to keep the economy running.

It hurt the people to leave behind something they had all toiled and sweated over. But the kingdom was a shadow of itself, now ruled by a pompous buffoon who had forgotten he was king. Compromises had hollowed out its splendour; it was now the kingdom of improvised solutions.

Song of Time

I heard that song today—the one that takes me to that place where you belonged to me, even if it was for a brief while.

And it never fails to make me smile. Its slow, lilting tune transports me to the time when my eyes sought your face all the time and beamed when it found you. Its lyrics remind me of your naughtiness and impish ways that made me laugh with joy and sometimes cry in consternation.

It was my song for you.


It makes me want to hear your song for me. 

Saturday, May 10, 2014

If I could change that moment

It would be when I took those stairs instead of waiting for you, my sister
When I dashed last minute into the train and almost cost my brother his life
When I had all those ice popsicles and lost the chance of hosting that grand finale at school
When a simple ‘yes’ would have saved me a lifetime of ‘what ifs’
When I should have dropped out of that course that didn’t add any value to my skills
When I should have gone for that picnic with all of you
…

When I first decided that I was not worth it.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Thoughts to belling the cat

Sometimes I feel I should just go over to the elephant and ask, “You like me, don’t you?”

At least that way I’ll know I’m not crazy.

I swear I’m going crazy. More than the ‘do you or don’t you’ poser of a lifetime, it’s my Pavlovian response to you that is cause for much worry. Cues to you assault me day in and out.

Then there’s the lack of will power or any sort of decorum. You turn me into a puddle. And that is embarrassing on so many levels.

Then I realize, “Who am I kidding here?” You are the sifu. Houdini could learn a trick or two from you. When have I ever received a straight answer?

All I'd get from you is, "Is this a trick question?"




Wednesday, April 23, 2014

When blinds slip

I just felt sorry for you.

No crueler words could have been so easily spoke. It was worse than I’m sorry. It tarnished everything. Like the crawl up your skin when you see an army of ants and worms swarming over a dead corpse.

I was so thirsty that I soaked myself in everything you offered.

The care that you so lovingly bestowed was kindness wrapped with concern. You knew my favourites, so you simply ensured that I would feel their comfort.  

You once told me I deserve the best that life can give, and it would happen; that someone would work hard to make it happen. And I believed that I had found that in you.


 Everything that we had was a figment of my imagination. 

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Facing Facts

My eyes were glazed over with excitement but I was not ready. So I did, what I do best, I swept it aside.

Because feigning ignorance was so much easier than actually having to face the truth. That the lifelong wish, the secret longing that is manifesting itself with all its reality and honesty is so much more frightful in actuality.

Did I consider all the consequences to what I wanted? Did I seriously give it a thought beyond wanting it? Did I even think I had it in me, to accept this? Well, there is now, staring me in the face with the same fervour that I sought it out with, yet, I’ve gone clammy quiet. I’m numb, I’m shaking; my mind racing but not as fast as my heart. Think back. I worked so hard for this, prayed for it to everything I hold dear—all the saints, even stooping so low as to bribing the Gods. I remember every lucky charm I held on to so passionately with eyes closed. Me trying to barter my way through should be a reminder to the adage ‘be careful what you wish for’.


And today, I complain.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Slow Burn

Slow burn
That’s how it feels.
Jealousy.
It surges instantly. A flush of anger in the face, the slight clenching of the jaw.
Eyes that rake you. Strip you naked.
Raw, animal instinct.
In a blink so much and yet so easily gone.
A downcast look of disappointment, a head turned away, biting of the lips to curb… it that guilt, pain or longing?
And you look again. Reading their faces for a truth, your truth. Was I transparent? Did they see it? Recognition. Acknowledgement. Hope. Fear. Faint flush of hot and cold simultaneously. Am I ready?
A pause.
And the truth is laid bare, waiting to be picked up and worn.
Instead, we pull the shutter. Tight. Pretense is more fun. Let unsaid things remain unsaid. The cowardly way out.
It has no name. Not liking, not love, not even lust.