Thursday, February 21, 2013

Small wonders


It’s in the small steps.
Like tentatively reaching out to hold his hand and then being confident enough to let it stay there, as if it was meant to be there all along.

It’s in the littlest gestures.
Like surprising him by remembering the innocuous things he tells you.

It’s in the little things.
Like taking over from him when he is too tired or upset to function without saying a word.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Oxymoron


I’ve always maintained that I’m a fraud when it comes to understanding English grammar. I just happen to be blessed in a way that lets me be proficient in the language without really grasping the basics that make up the language. Time and again, I get exposed whenever someone asks me a grammar-related question.

So imagine my surprise when I found myself teaching my landlady’s daughter how to identify tenses. Needless to say, I was as lost as her but I think I did a better job of pretending I understood. As she looked at me for confirmation for answers that she was guessing (you know the ones where we add that question in our voice while answering — Simple Present Tense?), I peeked into the book to make sure I knew the answers. We both bluffed our way through a one-hour session of Future Perfect, Past Perfect and more. Put it down to small mercies that she did not have Future Perfect Continuous tense or Past Perfect Continuous tense.

Flipping through the pages, I noticed that her next lesson is Gerunds and Infinitives. My mind frantically searched for places to which I could disappear for the next couple of weeks.  As I went through the book, my heart sank as I read words like past participle, modifiers and more. I know if I sit to answer a grammar test where I would have to identify the main clause, adverbial clause, parts of speech or even simpler stuff, I would definitely fail.

Now, I just have my fingers crossed that the girl does well in her test.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Sent packing


It was a disaster. I sat there trying to calm my nerves, trying to stop my hands from pulling my hair off my head and from reaching the phone to say, “I can’t do this,” desperately trying to not have a full blown panic attack. Everything was a mess around me—clothes strewn in a heap, bottles scattered on the floor vying for space with packages and bags; and there I sat amidst that constricting circle of four open suitcases waiting to be packed.

It goes without saying—I am a horrible packer; it’s not like I can’t pack but more like I prefer not to pack, especially for a long journey. Things had to be labeled, everything had to be sorted so the weight is distributed equally, and also the contents so as not to arouse suspicion of overzealous customs officials, and the list, that never ending list of what cannot be left behind at all, was getting on my nerves. I took a deep breath and said, “Take it easy. One bag at a time.” Famous words, especially when I was struggling to fit things in the last suitcase. I can honestly say, I wanted to cry. Out of frustration. Out of helplessness. Out of frustration at being so helpless. Four hours later (or was it six, it felt like a lifetime though), at 11:30 in the night, as I forced zipped the last bag, I swore to never open the bags, till I got back home. That’s when I saw two small polyethylene bags, one with food tins and the other with Christmas decorations that needed to go in. I shut my eyes in silent rage and decided to just add another bag and stuff it there.

Today, I go back to reopening the bags. My sister, the expert packer, is coming in to help. It’s absolutely embarrassing but at least I know that everything will be in properly and not a thing will be left out.

All I can think of at the moment to best describe my situation is ‘Three Men in a Boat’ by Jerome K Jerome (somehow the author’s name is unforgettable) and with all pardon to Jerome, “Packing is (definitely not)one of those many things that I feel I know more about than any other person living.”

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Emptied out


Her heart is hurting from an indescribable pain. There is a sadness, a sense of loss, like a foreboding of horrible things to come. It feels empty, like there is nothing more left there. The body feels like it’s been hollowed out and all that is there is an empty shell —useless, listless and lifeless. It’s like a pallor of gloom has descended and made its home in her heart, never ever going to leave; it’s found its perfect host. There is a bleakness that seems to proliferate with every passing day, infiltrating every action, every breath. Life seems to be the same, yet there is no more joy. A few moments of laughter seep in but there is no lilt to that tinkle, and the warmth of joviality doesn’t make it to the eyes. The eyes look haunted, like there is no more hope. They look guilty.

She tries to break free from this suffocating hold. She’s making an effort to be normal, and everything should feel normal, then why does it seem like there’s this constant pin-pricking somewhere in her heart. She should be feeling liberated, free of a burden she never wanted to carry, so why does she feel this restlessness. She never felt the joy when it existed, so why then does she feeling this pain, this anguish? She chose vanity over courage, an unsullied reputation over truthfulness. So why is she wracked with the feeling that something terrible has happened, that she’s torn and shredded something innocent within her.  She alone knows the truth, this is her cross to bear, her secret to keep.  She has to get over it, soon for her sanity. She has to live like it never happened even if she knows that her hands are soiled with the blood of an unborn child. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Drunken behaviour


I’m slumped across the bar, trying to forget, maybe by pretending to shut my eyes, I can probably avoid the scene playing in front of me. But no they have to come here too and disturb me and make me see what I’ve been trying to avoid all evening.

They call themselves my friends. If they are my friends, why aren’t they doing anything to stop her? Why are they letting her get her filthy hands all over him. “He is mine, all mine,” I scream out. “Who is she? Some pretentious, snooty little nobody from some god forsaken city with her farmhouses and talks of dramatics and politics and photography and philosophy. Wasn’t being from the same city not enough to reminiscence over that she had to show that they shared similar interests as well?”

I am rambling all this as they take me staggering across the dance floor. I’m pushed down onto some chairs. Did I just climb those stairs?, I wonder. I laugh at the thought of how awkward it must have been for Miss Manners here. What a beating her public image must have taken hobnobbing with a drunken woman. I then see another familiar face. I call out to him and tell him to get me some more drinks. If Mohammed is not allowed to go to the mountain, the mountain will have to be brought to him. Miss Manners is frantically trying to signal no and our Lover Boy here won’t miss a chance to impress, which means I’m left thirsty. Such a sad little love story theirs is—Mr Popular, extravagant, fun loving, almost ladies man falls for our uptight Ms Right. But who am I to laugh at them. Look at me and my pitiable state!

I get up and join the few who are dancing here. Then I spot them. She’s throwing herself all over him in that barely there dress. Who dresses like that—that cheap little slut. And he’s got his hands on her. Such a two-timing hypocrite.If I didn’t have to recommend her, she never would have met him and we wouldn’t be caught in this unholy mess. She knows what I feel about him, she knows that we are lovers or were till yesterday, yet she’s gone ahead and twisted that proverbial knife in the back. Incredible! Does she think I’m going to stand here and watch. No Ms Boyfriend Snatcher! Not in this lifetime.

I look around wondering what to do—I spot that ashtray. I pick it up and announce my intentions and before I know it I am held back by too many arms. There, now I’ve done it. They all know. Nevertheless they let me be, watching over me in turns. I sit like a statue for what seems like hours. Miss Manners and Lover Boy are on the dance floor and that’s my second surprise of the evening—Miss Manners actually dancing! Though dancing is all not what is doing going by some of the coquettish looks directed at her partner.   

I see my man standing all alone. Where has Ms Snooty gone? I wonder. I spot her dancing with some guys. This is my chance. I go up to him and try to put my arms around and say, “I’ve been waiting to do this all evening” but he pushes me away as discreetly possible and hisses, “You’re drunk.” What a surprise! Two thwarted attempts later, I’m disgusted with his highhandedness. Petulant, I leave him and join the eager arms of another group of boys. Nobody is judging me here, nobody wants to know my past, my present, how many drinks I’ve had, how short my dress is. They are here just like me, looking for a good time.

The evening ends before I know it, the boys want to take me home. Miss Manners stoutly refuses and I want to yell out, “Yay! My defender.” but I’m too far gone for that. She pulls a coat over me and orders Lover Boy to drive me home (he looks like he could strangle me). My last thought before I pass out, remind me to thank her later, and apologise to Lover Boy.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The writing assignment

As part of an initiative I started, to get myself writing, I decided to write a short story based on a character  from my office. I got so excited (or rather disappointed with each one) I wrote three.

Let me know what to you think.


The office guy 1

He walks in the corridors compulsively. Walking helps him think; one can spot him walking in circles, up and down, every few weeks. That’s the cue that work is hectic, that he has too many things on his mind. This walking while chewing his nails and the nail bed, head tilted to the right, lost in thought, is his way of calming down his agitation. The fingers looked raw, gnawed away, the nails all pared down, except two fingers on the right hand that sport longish nails.

As he makes his way to his desk, he throws his bag with flourish, takes a sip of his coffee and flops on his seat. He has been trying to keep things in control but everything seems to be spilling out. Restless he reaches out for his morning fix of cigarettes, and doesn't find it. He rummages through the drawers, table top, pats his pockets but nothing. “Drats!” he thinks, “not again.” This is the second time this week he’s misplaced his pack. He’s always been forgetful but this is too embarrassing; he can’t go around asking people if they've seen his pack anywhere, not again at least. He mumbles to himself, half cussing, half berating his clumsiness. The missing pack is annoying him to hell. “Is someone playing a prank?”, he wonders. That thought is enough to let loose another string of expletives. Swearing vengeance on whoever was behind this, he begins to run down a list of suspects. Halfway through, he considers adding the girls to the list. Somebody could have easily put them up to this, and this kind of irrational, childish prank would be just up their alley. The girls don’t like him as it is. He senses their animosity veiled under their smiles and laughs. Still, in so many years they have never bothered to trouble him, so what could have changed now? Did he cross some line with someone? Quite possible, given that he always speaks his mind.

He needs his fix quickly. Borrowing (actually just taking) one from a colleague, he heads to the unofficial smoking zone. Plugging on his head phones, he tries to sit and wrap his head around this work situation. The music changes to Radiohead and he gives a wry smile, happy that at least something is right for once. The day progresses, work gets more hectic; more arguments, more abuses and the worst part is the cigarettes haven’t shown up.

He picks his guitar and hears something move within. It’s the damn cigarette pack. “I’ll be damned,” he said, his left hand scratching his head wondering how they landed there in the first place.

**************************************************

The office guy 2

He sits looking around the room, hoping for someone to catch his eye. He adjusts his coat, checking it for lint. His wonders if he should shed it anyway; he knows his bowler hat, sitting atop his longish black hair, peppered with white and golden strands, is enough to at least earn him a glance. His skin-tight rust jeans and white t-shirt actually cling to the contours of his maintained body. He is very particular about what he wears especially making sure it displays his best assets.

He walks across the room, confidently with a little spring in his step; this is his zone, he is most comfortable here. Sometimes, his bearing can appear like that of a king looking down on his subjects, or glad to be gracing the rest with his appearance, but today it is just a self-assured walk of someone who knows what he wants. Reaching the bar, he gives the bartender a flirtatious smile and places his order. Turning around, he places his elbows on the counter and rests a leg behind on the bar wall. Looking around, he is surprised at the number of good looking women; they surely outnumber the men raising the stakes unfairly. He hates to have to resort to ‘tricks’ to catch attention, but enjoys the build-up to the chase. In this place teeming with beautiful people, what makes one stand out? He knows his type and all he needs, is that one special thing to tell him, "This is it".

Collecting his margaritas, he spots something. As they make eye contact, his eyes light up. “Gotcha!” His excitement is impalpable; just to tease, feel and up the tempo, he deliberately walks close to his prey, gives a reassuring smile and heads to his booth. Chugging down his drink in one go, he collects his coat, kisses his friends and promises to fill in the details later.

As he makes his way out of the booth, he wonders, what name he should use today. Smiling to himself, he looks at his reflection in the mirrors and takes a deep breath saying, “This is it!” He taps the black coat and says, “Hi, I’m Priyanka!” 

**************************************************

Someone, somewhere

He sits patiently sipping on his favourite frothy brew. There is a reverence on his face, soaking in the splendour that this time of the day brings; this place too is perfect—with not too many people to rankle him with their talk but just enough for him to look up to from time to time.

He debates whether to put on his headphones; they are a bright enough colour to attract attention, but that’s not his intention for now. Now, he needs to concentrate on people. It’s one of the things he likes to do — look at people, read into their actions and then weave a story describing their life. Once he settles down with his observations, he can devote all his attention to the girl who will come in shortly—in another fifteen minutes actually.

He had first noticed her last week, while making a selection of the muffins. Her milky white skin, dark brown hair and petite body drew him instantly. Her face looked familiar (only later he realised that she looked like a cross between Kristen Stewart and Briana Evigan) and he would have approached her, had she not just picked up her black satchel and walked out. It would appear strange, and not to mention obvious, if he walked out right after her, mid-order. Shaking his head as if to come out of that moment, he gave a wry smile thinking about all the times when he would have cared less.

His friends would not believe him if he told them of letting someone like her go. Bad enough they had a hard time trying to categorise him, but he prided himself on his ability to be a modern day Proteus. To a casual observer, he presented himself as a mixture of contrasts, actually contrasts within contrasts—one moment the master, next an ardent student, comfortable in playing the role of the leader and the easily malleable one as well. These are all masks he dons to throw off people, just for the heck of it. Like a storyteller toying with his characters, at times he deliberately baits people with his calculated passivity, then intentionally inserts his presence in all kinds of situations and often manipulates people to reveal more of themselves. 

Within him lay polarities that are designed to confuse—one moment he can hold you with his unwavering, unblinking eyes, daring you to look away, enjoying the fact that you are aware of his scrutiny, the next, his gaze can freeze you like a cold hit from the Artic, and at times refusing to meet your eyes, talking to you self-assuredly but looking at some point beyond your left shoulder.

His bluntness of speech is hidden in the glibness of the words, tools he uses as a shield against mediocrity; he rarely suffers fools. Yet, he is not beyond using subterfuge to get his way; little things of timings and placements that he thinks people don’t notice, but that happen often enough to reveal a kind of pattern. When something catches his eye, he knows he will pursue it with an obsessiveness that is unnerving, but is smart enough to pull back when it’s a lost cause.

His smile broadens as her spots her entering. She was not a lost cause, definitely not a lost cause at all; as he gets up to enfold her in a hug. 


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The diary of obsession

It starts as an innocuous exploration, an appeasement of curiosity. Then it takes over your life, becoming the driving force for your existence, the reason for your living, Take it away and you react like a child who is denied his favourite toy—pained, angered, abandoned and petulant in varying degrees. Rejoined—it’s like the universe has come alive again.

You find pleasure in everything around it. You worship the ground it dwells on. Every day you say, “I breathe for you. You are in every breath I take.” You spend every waking hour thinking about it, how to get closer, how to bridge this gap. It’s inconvenient, it’s distressing and it’s unacceptable.  A glimpse, a whiff, a brush, anything will do; you’ll gladly feed on crumbs. Then just this much will not do, you get greedy, you want more. Every hour, there is a need to sate the inquisitiveness with action. It’s like an overwhelming passion; the one that sets the soul on fire and torments your life. Every moment apart is like drawing in ragged breaths of life.

The hunger quickly multiplies like a rabid disease. The more you feed it, the more it demands; it’s mutated and mutilated. You notice that everything around you falls to the wayside. There are signs everywhere—forgetfulness of mundane activities, lack of communication with others, sloppiness in other tasks, yet it’s like you’ve been consumed by the all-encompassing force that commands your existence.  You can do nothing other than obey its calls, your will has no say, you are the subservient slave who has to acquiesce it’s every demand.

You realise you need to pull back. “This is not healthy,” you tell yourself. It’s a struggle of wills, an intense battle between sanity and obsession. You do everything to pull back—you try not to acknowledge its existence, you deny and deprive yourself, you bury yourself in work and menial tasks but it is a gnawing presence within, scratching, itching, wanting to rise to the surface. You call in for reinforcements, you medicate yourself and look for an alternate source of outlet. It’s easy for a while, you learn to ignore it yet you know it’s there, biding its time, waiting for the moment when you’ll be vulnerable. One day, the need returns, more ravenous than ever, angry at being denied for so long; it doesn’t take kindly to rejection. You are desperate now—you need satiation; “One, just one,” you plead with yourself. And another voice screams, “NO!”  The agony is too much to bear— you shut your eyes, your ears, your mouth but the thirst still beckons. “Just this once, NO! Don’t do this to yourself. Just this once. No! Don’t do this to yourself.” The chant is on a loop getting louder and more aggressive each passing hour. In desperation, you lock yourself up, cut yourself—let the bad blood flow. 

It’s a never-ending battle. Each day brings it challenges and torments. You’re learning to live with it.