If I could change that moment

It would be when I took those stairs instead of waiting for you, my sister

When I dashed last minute into the train and almost cost my brother his life

When I had all those ice popsicles and lost the chance of hosting that grand finale at school

When a simple ‘yes’ would have saved me a lifetime of ‘what ifs’

When I should have dropped out of that course that didn’t add any value to my skills

When I should have gone for that picnic with all of you

…

When I first decided that I was not worth it.

Thoughts to belling the cat

Sometimes I feel I should just go over to the elephant and ask, “You like me, don’t you?”

At least that way I’ll know I’m not crazy.

I swear I’m going crazy. More than the ‘do you or don’t you’ poser of a lifetime, it’s my Pavlovian response to you that is cause for much worry. Cues to you assault me day in and out.

Then there’s the lack of will power or any sort of decorum. You turn me into a puddle. And that is embarrassing on so many levels.

Then I realize, “Who am I kidding here?” You are the sifu. Houdini could learn a trick or two from you. When have I ever received a straight answer?

All I'd get from you is, "Is this a trick question?"

When blinds slip

I just felt sorry for you.

No crueler words could have been so easily spoke. It was worse than I’m sorry. It tarnished everything. Like the crawl up your skin when you see an army of ants and worms swarming over a dead corpse.

I was so thirsty that I soaked myself in everything you offered.

The care that you so lovingly bestowed was kindness wrapped with concern. You knew my favourites, so you simply ensured that I would feel their comfort.  

You once told me I deserve the best that life can give, and it would happen; that someone would work hard to make it happen. And I believed that I had found that in you.

 Everything that we had was a figment of my imagination. 

Facing Facts

My eyes were glazed over with excitement but I was not ready. So I did, what I do best, I swept it aside.

Because feigning ignorance was so much easier than actually having to face the truth. That the lifelong wish, the secret longing that is manifesting itself with all its reality and honesty is so much more frightful in actuality.

Did I consider all the consequences to what I wanted? Did I seriously give it a thought beyond wanting it? Did I even think I had it in me, to accept this? Well, there is now, staring me in the face with the same fervour that I sought it out with, yet, I’ve gone clammy quiet. I’m numb, I’m shaking; my mind racing but not as fast as my heart. Think back. I worked so hard for this, prayed for it to everything I hold dear—all the saints, even stooping so low as to bribing the Gods. I remember every lucky charm I held on to so passionately with eyes closed. Me trying to barter my way through should be a reminder to the adage ‘be careful what you wish for’.

And today, I complain.

Slow Burn

Slow burn

That’s how it feels.

Jealousy.

It surges instantly. A flush of anger in the face, the slight clenching of the jaw.

Eyes that rake you. Strip you naked.

Raw, animal instinct.

In a blink so much and yet so easily gone.

A downcast look of disappointment, a head turned away, biting of the lips to curb… it that guilt, pain or longing?

And you look again. Reading their faces for a truth, your truth. Was I transparent? Did they see it? Recognition. Acknowledgement. Hope. Fear. Faint flush of hot and cold simultaneously. Am I ready?

A pause.

And the truth is laid bare, waiting to be picked up and worn.

Instead, we pull the shutter. Tight. Pretense is more fun. Let unsaid things remain unsaid. The cowardly way out.

It has no name. Not liking, not love, not even lust.

Of Knowing

What is the nature of epiphanies? It is definitely not a thunderbolt strike out of nowhere. It is there in the consciousness, building up slowly, gaining momentum, and when all that you know meets all that is now before you, an epiphany happens. It’s a clarifying moment when facts meet and match perception.

Like when you have always wondered about a relationship that seemed precious yet bothered you as pretentious but you could never pinpoint anything. Of course there was the care, the concern, the love, the admiration and the perceived 'specialness' but you were not convinced that it was yours exclusively.  Then, one day, you see it happen before you. Some other people, but mirroring your situation, and you know it instantly. You’ve had your epiphany.

Today, I've had my moment of clarity. Of knowing that I could resist. You. Even if it was temporary.

Reading and Writing

I’ve always been a reader. My friends identify me as a reader. I have tons of books—I’m proud of my collection and every time I buy a new one, I’m pleased with myself. The only problem is, I haven’t read any book for a long, long time. 2013 saw me read three books. Three books! Not only is this appalling, it is downright shameful not to mention worrying. I’m now worried whether I have lost the knack of reading. Is that even possible? Can a person’s reading skills get rusted?

This is not something I can afford. I am a reader dammit! (J, this is a nod to you-know-who).

And I know what’s to be blamed for this abysmal performance in the reading department — TV series. There’s too many of them! Keeping a tab on Hindi and English shows can be quite the task. I have a Post-it on my wall to help me keep tab of what serial runs when. I kid you not!

Having decided to be a better reader, I am already one book down. Actually three, if you consider historical romances as reading. (I read those too, so what?) And I’ve moved onto my next reads as well—Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg and The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. So far, so good.

Plus, I have my writing to get back to. I have been negligent of that as well.

So, Gods of Reading and Writing, inspire me and give me the strength to stay committed. (But Banshee has just started, and Hannibal and Game of Thrones will begin in April. Sigh! I am doomed.)